I just finished “He’s Not Lazy” by Adam Price.
Good book. Read more pre-emptively I guess. Preventative maintenance.
Lots of things I need to remember, especially in the heat of things when thinking turns off.
The most important being that any “fight” with a teenager is probably about power and you will lose because they will go further. They have less to lose.
“However, there is one type of conflict you should learn to avoid: a power struggle. Without even knowing you, I can predict who will win the next one: your teen. He will always win. That’s because he has so much more at stake than you: He’s fighting for his independence. He will best you because he’s willing to go to any length to win—screaming, swearing, embarrassing you in public, whatever it takes.”
Holy crap. He’s right. Noted. Back off. State the guard rails/consequences and back off.
“There is only one way to deal with power struggles: avoid them. Do this by offering your son a choice, so that he feels some control. The choice may be to defy you and face a consequence, or to comply—but by offering a choice you are putting the ball in his court and thereby deflating the power struggle.”
Really, the whole chapter on autonomy was great.
Stop doing everything, especially the helping and reminding and allow some minor failure/errors, at least modest level. They need to feel and practice autonomy.
Ask questions, don’t give directions.
You can’t change him. You can’t change anyone. Remember this!
“MYTH 1: YOU CAN MAKE ANOTHER PERSON CHANGE
You can’t. You might be able to lead this horse to school, but you can’t make him think. Ultimately it is up him. The harder you push, the more oppositional he will become.”
Don’t blame. Don’t shame. Help.
Especially when things go wrong. Shut up and help.
Also, stuff about masculinity.
“In order to understand the opt-out phenomenon, you have to appreciate how hard it is to become a man. Unlike girls, whose femininity is rarely called into question, teenage boys must constantly prove their masculinity. A boy’s manhood is continually tested, and unlike his school exams these are tests he cares deeply about passing.”
And:
“Boys definitely want girls’ attention, but it is other boys they look to for validation of their masculinity. Your son’s idea of masculinity is defined by a group of boys his age who are as clueless as he is about what it means to be a man. Teenage boys, insecure about who they are and how to fit in, look up to peers who seem to have it figured out, like the best athletes or the cool dudes.”
The big one I see is about study.
“…masculinity goes hand in hand with athleticism but never comes from making the honor roll.”
It’s not cool to study. Not manly? So the cohort brag about how little study they do and how well they do. Many study a lot (I know first or second-hand). My concision and advice to him: everyone is lying.
Consider the three C’s: Competence, Control, Connection.
“Because boys must avoid feeling incompetent at all costs, struggling in school presents a threat to their masculinity. ”
And:
“Your son must feel he is the captain of his own ship, so he will interpret your efforts to motivate him as a threat to his command. He’ll fight back with opposition that will likely result in a power struggle. If your son doesn’t feel in control of his abilities to study, complete assignments, and get good grades, he’s likely to disengage from the whole process.”
And:
“A teenager is like a caterpillar shedding his cocoon. This may sound lovely, until you realize you are the cocoon!”
Jesus. That last one is rough.
And so much more.
Good stuff. May need a re-read in a year.